Divine Design

I just spent the last hour with my mom, staring at my ugly living room and trying to figure out wth to do with it all.

It boils down to a few major problems:

• it is entirely (and I mean 100%) filled with hand me downs from the early 90's at the NEWEST
• there is a large, wood paneled fireplace area on one end, not centered on the wall (wtf?)
• there is a giant air conditioner stuck in the side of the wall, even though I have central air (again, wtf?)
• there are toys, more toys, and then some more toys EVERYWHERE.

We came up with a plan. It's a phased plan, which I learned about at work. That means there is a phase one that is cheap and phase two that we may never have the money/resources to achieve, but here's hoping.

The Phase One plan is to:

1. Paint large wood paneled fire place to match the walls (cream) and trim (white)
2. Purchase and hang a screen over the air conditioner
3. Get a new corner desk to fill up the area next to the fireplace and make it look less off-center

Phase Two is something like get new couch, get new entertainment unit, win lottery, boob job, marry Brad Pitt. We'll see.

In the end, we felt good about it all, but my mom did claim she's emailing the Divine Design chick to beg her to come here.

how on earth do I have a 5 year old...

My oldest turned 5 on Friday. We spent the day with their dad, which as you can imagine, makes me the best mom on the planet.

It actually wasn't that bad. It's not like I don't like to talk to him, I just can't live with him. But he kept excusing himself to go smoke cigarettes, and each time he was gone I explained to the kids how cigarettes make your lungs black and you get sick from them and maybe die. So, they may grow up with panic disorders about their father (and grandmother) dying, but at least they won't smoke.

So now he's 5, and he's decided that he no longer wants me to call him by his nickname (which we've ALWAYS called him) but by his full name. The sheer idea of this makes me want to cry. I mean, it makes sense, he is certainly more of a full name type of kid, but still. At 5? Can't this wait till high school? It's heartbreaking.

On the other hand, now he's big enough for cool toys, so we spent the day yesterday playing star wars and legos and playmobil dragons. Plus, Mr3 informed me that he was never going to move out and he was going to live with me forever in the basement and sometimes he'd go to the grocery store. So now I have that to look forward to- I sort of picture him like the guy in "I Love You Man," hanging out in his man cave, smoking pot and playing air bass to Rush. Gotta love these kids...

Happy Thanksgiving!

I usually blow off sentimental holidays as being too mushy or something, but I have to admit being a mother has sort of forced me to take myself a little less seriously and enjoy the warmth of Thanksgiving and Christmas.

And in that vein, I'm thankful for

• my children
• having a roof over my head and food to eat
• my friends and family
• my job
• finding my voice through the Year of Frugal Living blog and continuing it here
• having a sense of humor when all of the above go terribly, terribly awry!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Every day is a new beginning

I'm watching the Biggest Loser right now. This season, there are some really messed up people among the contestants. Two of them are particularly heartbreaking to me- one, Abby, the mom who lost her whole family (husband, 5 year old daughter and newborn son) in a car accident. The other is Shay, the woman who's mother was a heroin addict. Obviously, the mom is heartbreaking- especially to a mom of two like me. Every time she talks about her kids, I just cry and cry. I can't even imagine what she went through. And for the other woman, after everything I went through with my ex and keeping my kids safe from his addiction, I just think of what could have happened had I not been strong enough to get us away from him.

Life is scary. Bad shit happens every day. People who don't deserve to suffer suffer a LOT. They don't always get saved, they don't always have another parent who will be DAMNED if they let anything happen to their kids. And people like my ex drive drunk or speed or whatever and kill other families. It's enough to make you want to stay in your house and never leave.

Except you can't. I'm not a religious person, I don't think there's a better place waiting for us. I think this life is the chance we have to be happy, to love, and to make this world a better place. I don't want my life to be bad or sad or terrible because of other people's crap. And I want my children to grow up knowing that they are loved and safe and have the chance to make their own happiness. And so I do my best every day- if I'm tired or sad or upset, I talk to my kids about feelings and how to deal with them. I don't sugar coat things, but I don't let them forget that they are safe and loved. And I really feel that every day is a new beginning, a new chance to be happy and have relationships with others and to love and be loved. At the end of the day, you can only change yourself and how you deal with how others affect you.

The village that I talk about- it's about having those loving relationships with people who make you happy and challenge you and who you love. It's about making your life the best you can, and not letting the bad things break you. At the end of the day, I feel at peace with everything I've been through, and I hope that I make others lives happier.