to be heard

I don't know about where you live, but here in New England it's been raining for a month. Without exaggeration. 

The grocery store project has failed in it's first test, which is ease of use. I logged in to Peapod, added a few items, and scheduled a time for my groceries to be delivered the next day. I didn't confirm because I needed a few more things, and before I knew it, the deadline to confirm had passed. I have not had time to return to the site since. In the meanwhile, I went to the grocery store and still forgot a couple of things, including cat food. I am completely out of cat food and stuck at work with no time to get to the store and home. I fear for what the cats are doing to my stuff.

Can I just say how completely and totally overwhelmed I am? My younger son's 3rd birthday party is Saturday and I'm totally unprepared for both the party and the rain that is predicted to ruin it. My ex is moving back in with his parents tomorrow and they've brought out a barrel full of crazy to celebrate the occasion. The babysitter (who is related to them) is fighting with them over MY kids, and its making me insane. 

My house is a freaking mess ALWAYS and I never have enough time to clean it. I'm overwhelmed at work and unhappy in general and this morning I just felt like I could imagine myself trapped in this glass box and just banging, banging on the walls to get out, to be heard. 

Did I mention I have a cold? :)

Serenity now! 

I swear all I ever buy is groceries

It's been a while since I've really bought anything. I did get the new phone, but that was more out of necessity than desire- I still miss my old phone and wish it hadn't broken. But other than that, I have been INSANELY busy with work and personal commitments and have had less nights without the kids to even think about shopping, which i guess is probably a good thing.

Correction- I have been shopping a hundred times, and spent a ton of money. Too bad all of it was on food.

When I read Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food, I became interested in spending more money on quality food, because it's so important for your physical well-being and sense of fulfillment (nothing depresses me more than the sensation of thinking I can't afford food. Nothing). And I have, and it's been nice. But what I haven't mastered yet is working out menus so that I buy the right things, in the right quantities and at the right times so that things don't spoil before I get the chance to eat them.

So I'm thinking about perhaps using an online menu planner, and trying out Peapod. (If you don't know what that is, it's an online grocery service provided by my local grocery store chain.) That way I can do my planning/shopping on my lunch break at work, and spend more time doing the things I want to be doing.

So, here are my goals for starting this:

1. Take an inventory of what I have in the house.
2. Find an online meal planner to help me organize this.
3. Start researching Peapod discounts and coupons.
4. Try it out for 2 weeks and do a cost/time analysis.

I'll let you know how it goes!

Also, I started taking guitar lessons! They are free for me because I work at a college. How cool is that???

whoops

I haven't quite adjusted to my new budget, and I accidentally overdrew my checking account. I sort of knew it was coming, I was avoiding checking my balance for the days beforehand, which is never a good thing. Luckily I got paid the next day, so it wasn't disastrous, but it certainly didn't feel good.

My ex is in rehab now, I guess (I haven't heard from him at all). Other than that, we're good- very. very busy at work, and getting ready for my younger son's 3rd birthday party.

I'm not relieved

My ex is back. He was in jail! And the woman he was dating, the reason he was IN jail, bailed him out! Gee, thanks. Just what we all wanted.

Part of me wants to call her and tell her off for that. Seriously. I'm considering it.

He says he's going to a rehab facility tomorrow, and I hope he does, but I'll believe it when I see it. There's still 24 hours between now and then, and a lot can happen in 24 hours. How many seasons has 24 been on? ;)

In the meanwhile, the kids are doing okay, I'm angry but okay, and we're chugging along. On the bright side, my garden looks beeee-u-ti-ful. Love it.

oh, if only every day could be like today

I gauge the success of my days by how dirty we are. If the kids are dirty and sticky, and I smell like dirt, then it's been a wonderful day.

It's been a wonderful day.

We woke up and had breakfast on the screened in porch, and then went for a walk. A coworker gave me his son's outgrown bike and my ex's dad came over and filled the tires and got them adjusted for the boys to ride. We chalked and swung on the swings and played tag. We listened to bluegrass on Pandora and ate lunch outside in the backyard.

And the garden! Oh, it's so pretty. It's almost done- the right side of the path is completely finished. Look how cute it is:


(from left to right: sugar snap peas, spinach, lettuce, tomatoes and basil, chinese leeks)

Cute, right?

making my village

I had a really interesting conversation with a professor at work on Friday. He was saying how he'd decided to leave the college and move on, and how he'd developed this nomadic lifestyle of saving up like 50,000 dollars, taking a job somewhere interesting (he'd just come from Hawaii), living off his savings until he got settled in, build the savings back up while he worked, and move on (he was planning on heading to Spain next). He said that, at his age (mid 50's) he didn't expect to be unmarried, childless, and living place to place like he was, and for a while people sort of felt bad for him, and he felt bad for himself too. But now, he was the envy of all his friends! (And me!)

So we started talking about families and marriage and single parents and communities and he said something about single moms that kind of bugged me, something about how it wasn't natural for them to be alone. I explained to him about how I've done my best to create an extended family for my children by staying close with both sets of grandparents, and by having cousins and friends over as much as possible. I told him about my Thursday night ladies' night (if I haven't ever mentioned it, my girlfriends come over every Thursday for dinner, drinks and tv) and my cookouts and how my kids are close and comfortable with an extended "family" of people who care about them. And I told him I thought this was just as good as having a husband.

And you know what he said? He said, "Just as good? It's better." He went on to say how many married people are isolated in their marriage, how they don't spend time with friends and their relationship revolves around their children. He felt, and I can see why this would be true, that this model of the family: one dad, one mom, 2.5 kids, evolved as people moved out of villages and into suburbs, where there is no town square, no central spot for congregation, no connection with the community you live in. You know that expression "it takes a village to raise a child"? Some families have lost their village, if that makes sense.

And for me, I may have lost my husband, my partner, but I reconstructed my village. And villagers, since many of you read this, I love you.

not giving up

I woke up yesterday with a new lease on life. After the previous evening's misery, I was shocked at how different I felt the next day. Then I found out why- it was of the hormonal variety. Oops. I need to check my calendar before I make any rash life decisions. It just goes to show you, you should always sleep on it.

Anyway, I'm not giving up just yet. I'm shuffling my priorities, going back to the Dave Ramsey "Pay off the smallest balance first" plan. I figured it out yesterday, and out of my 4 debts (3 credit cards and one car loan), I can have the car and one cc paid off in a year. One caveat- I need to defer my student loans to do this.

I have decided that this is the best option for me right now because my student loans are not going anywhere. They are massive, I'm making NO dent in them right now with the payment I AM making monthly, and even if I did file for bankruptcy, they wouldn't qualify as dissolvable debt (I checked). Plus, student loans don't affect your credit like credit cards, and putting them in deferment won't hurt your credit like missing a credit card payment.

Basically, for the small impact on my balance, I will pay off more in credit card debt, pay off my car, and retain my good credit score. This might be a last ditch effort, but I think it sounds like a smart one.