31 January 2009

the unintended benefit of having a blog that people read

When I was married and living with my ex, he did plenty of terrible things akin to, and much worse than, what's he's done this month. Back then, I rarely told anyone. I was ashamed and afraid of what people would say, that they wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore or they would try to push me into leaving him when I needed to do it on my own terms. It was incredibly isolating and I pushed away quite a few close friends because of it. Luckily I've been able to make amends with most of them, and I'm so grateful to have them back in my life. I wish I could have all of them back.

Things are much more public now, and that's on purpose. I post about my troubles with him here, and many of the people who read this blog and friends and family. I also comment about it on Facebook, and talk about it in real life. I need to have it out there, so that I don't feel ashamed anymore. It's not my shame to bear, and I need to remind myself of that.

I had a hard time writing the post I wrote yesterday, though. Obviously this has been going on for a few weeks and I haven't really talked about it, at least not to the extent that it was bothering me. I feel that shame again, and I hate him for putting me in this submissive position again. I feel taken advantage of and victimized, and the only thing that takes away that sting for me is to air it publicly. I'm big-mouthed and forward by nature, so it makes sense that this is how I deal, but it still isn't easy. My stomach still flip-flopped when I saw I had comments, because I was afraid of what they might say.

So thank you for reading, and thank you for commenting. Anyone who blogs might think they are blogging for others, but to know that you are supported, that you are not alone, is priceless.

1 comment:

Krista said...

Aw sweetie - don't feel ashamed. You can't control what another persons does. All you can control is how you respond and react to it and in that case you have NOTHING to be ashamed of!

I always say that blogging is like free therapy. lol